


An Unbearable Brightness

by blueaerin



Category: Stormlight Archive - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: Dru and Drehy's wedding as backdrop, M/M, a few month post-Oathbring, it's obvious to everyone else, jasnah is always right, love and angst and longing, more POVs more fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:35:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26295769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueaerin/pseuds/blueaerin
Relationships: Kaladin/Adolin Kholin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 22





	An Unbearable Brightness

**PATTERN**

Humans are among the most clever creatures on Roshar, in large part due to their immense propensity for discovering patterns. They absorb, manipulate, and produce an astonishing number of patterns everyday in their writing, mathematics, speech, and social behaviors. It is puzzling, then, that they so often appear blind to what the patterns of their actions reveal of their desires.

**VEIL**

I knew who I was, even half-asleep. Shallan always slept curled next to the wall, like she needed something solid to lean on in the night. I--Veil--slept sprawled out among the pillows. Adolin wasn’t there when I woke up, but I didn’t know why. It wasn’t like Shallan passed notes to keep me updated on her marriage. I had to guess from the bits and pieces, the unintentional clues she left behind. Which reminded me.

Still groggy, I dug under my pillow, discarding the knife I kept there with a clatter on the bedside table. Adolin had complained about that once, which was how I learned that Shallan doesn’t always sleep with a knife under her pillow; for all of her learning, Shallan wasn’t as smart as everyone thought.

My fingers found the rough edges of the papers sandwiched between smooth covers and pulled out Shallan’s sketchbook. I rifled through the pages. She probably didn’t want me to see those rather enjoyable sketches of an undressed Adolin, but I didn’t feel bad. That was her fault for leaving things out where anyone could find them. Shallan was hiding something from herself, but the deception bled into me too. Every time I woke up, it was harder to remember what was real and what wasn’t. That’s why the sketchbook was so important--it helped me understand how Shallan saw her world.

I turned to the most recent page and stopped short. It was a sketch for a formal portrait, the kind I’d seen hanging in Jasnah’s throne room, or in Dalinar’s quarters. The sketch showed Adolin in his military uniform, his hand resting on another person’s shoulder. He was remarkably lifelike, his eyes bright even in charcoal. Shallan had clearly spent time on this drawing. In contrast to Adolin’s detailed appearance, the figure next to him was only half-finished.

The paper around Adolin’s shape was pristine, unmarked by repeated attempts, but the paper around the other figure was smudged and worn thin, as if Shallan had drawn and redrawn the image in an attempt to capture herself. That was odd--Shallan was usually good at drawing self portraits. Something else was strange about the unfinished blur on the page, but I can’t place it until I was dressed and half-way out the door.

Swearing under my breath, I crossed the room in a few quick strides and sank back into the still-messy bed covers, fishing the sketch pad out from under the pillow again. I let my fingers trace the smudged charcoal lines, confirming my suspicions. I ripped the page out of the book and crumpled the smudged paper as I tossed it into the fire. I couldn't say why. I’m not a soft-hearted girl, crooning to stray creatures or bouncing bairns on my knee.

But I couldn’t stop myself imagining what Shallan had felt as she found herself drawing the truth again and again.

**DREHY**

Dru and I were out drinking a few weeks ago, celebrating the wedding. We were all couple drinks into the night and I didn’t expect a brightlord to come join our...carousing, so I didn’t notice Adolin at first. It wasn’t just the drinking though that threw me off. Taverns are too loud in Urithiru, the sounds echoing back at you from the rock walls. It’s disorienting, makes it hard to keep track of your surroundings.

Anyways, Skar was telling a story when Dru nudged me.

“Isn’t that the brightlord you’re always saving?” he asked with a grin. “What’s he doing here? Looks like he’s ready to attend a fancy dress party.”

“That’s his casual wear.” Dru raised an eyebrow, but I waved a hand and caught Adolin’s eye. He smiled when he sat and I passed him the pitcher, but then he just stared at it like he’d never seen lavis beer before. I mean, he is a brightlord, so maybe he hadn’t, but he looked like he was waking up from sleep. He kept blinking and looking around, holding the pitcher without pouring a cup. I’ve fought and practiced with Adolin more times than I can count--we all have--and while he may have a loud fashion sense, he’s got a warrior’s instincts. Something was off.

Dru saw my frown and suggested we go buy the next round, handing me a couple of spheres. Dru’s always been good at reading people. Adolin looked relieved as I walked with him towards the bar. We had to wait for service, while men and women in uniforms of all colors bustled around them.

“How did you know?” Adolin asked all of a sudden. I followed his gaze back to the table, where he was watching Dru pour another cup of lavis beer.

“About Dru?” I asked. “Same as anyone, I expect. It just felt different. When you find the person you want to spend your life with--I think most people realize it pretty quickly.” Adolin’s face was hard to read in the tavern but I thought I saw a look of disappointment flash across his face before he nodded.

“That’s good,” Adolin said flatly. It hit me then that I’d answered the wrong question.

“Did you mean to ask how I knew that Dru might be interested in me?”

“It just seems,” Adolin said, “like it might be...harder. You know, to know if a man… if…” he trailed off helplessly.

“Well, let’s just say, if he wasn’t interested, he wouldn’t have been in that particular tavern, if you catch my drift.”

“Of course.” Adolin sounded disappointed.

“But again, same as with anyone. If you’re interested in someone, and they’re interested in you, well, that’s something that’s hard to deny or hide. And it never hurts to ask.” Adolin shook his head. I paused for a moment, choosing my words carefully. “It can be worth asking...even if the person is particularly...difficult. Or taciturn. Or habitually frowning. If you’ll excuse me being so forward, brightlord.” I picked up the two pitchers of beer that had been shoved our way and turned back to the table. “Going to join us for another round?”

“I didn’t realize I was so obvious” Adolin said ruefully. “I should probably be going. Sorry to interrupt. I’ll see you at the wedding tomorrow.”

“Always happy to help, brightlord.”

“Well?” asked Dru as I slid back onto my stool. “Was I right?”

“You were. Although I will say, anyone with eyes can see it.” Dru rolled his eyes and I gave him a grin. Dru’s the best thing that ever happened to me--I wish Adolin the same happiness.

**KALADIN**

The first time I kissed him, we were lost in Urithiru. It happens, from time to time, that the earth shakes, closing some passages, revealing others. And of course I was stuck with him. We walked in silence, Adolin leading with spheres held high.

He was relentlessly, needlessly cheerful. I wanted to punch him. It was a better option than kissing him until he couldn’t breathe, pushing my fingers through his hair, pressing him against the wall until I could slide down and…. I tried to count my steps, to feel the breeze on my face, to search for openings in the endless rock corridor that might lead us back to the main cavern.

He spotted the cave first, taking off with a shout around a corner. I thought of all the dangers we might encounter and chased him, head down, arms pumping. “Adolin!” I shouted. The pathway curled through a cave where crystals clung to every surface. Adolin stood in the middle of the room, his face open with wonder. I couldn’t stop in time, skidding on the smooth floor until I crashed into him.

He steadied me with his hands but then he didn't let go. He held me, his arms right around me like he was afraid I would break away. He raised my face to his and kissed me, his lips parting mine, his tongue hot and urgent. This moment was everything I had waited for.

This moment was not mine to take, nor his to give. I turned away from his outstretched hand and we continued on.

**PATTERN**

Perhaps humans fail to see the connections and similarities in their own actions, because of the other gift they possess: the ability to to lie. An ability they use most freely not with others, but with themselves.

**RENARIN**

_a portion of a letter, unsent, on Renarin's desk_

There are patterns everywhere in nature. In the storms, and the animals, in the winds and the rocks. And humans? We are creatures of patterns too, although we pretend that we are free to choose. How many of our choices are truly free? And how many are as destined as the storms? We are given very few true choices in our lives. When we approach one of these moments of freedom, we face two tests. The first is to recognize that a true choice lies before us. And the second, harder test, is to act in true to who we are, not who we wish others to believe us to be. Brother, I….

**SHALLAN**

He should have told me himself. I was his wife, after all. But Adolin has never been good with words. Or rather, I should say that he is good with words, except the ones that mattered to me. Perhaps I caught him off guard, as he dressed for Drehy’s wedding. He could barely look at me, as if everything he saw hurt his eyes.

“You asked what I was sketching the other day, dear,” I said. I couldn’t find the particular sketch anymore--it had disappeared from my sketchbook. But I didn’t need it. I felt as if I had etched it into my skin. “I think perhaps you’re ready to see it.” I breathed in the stormlight from the spheres on the table. For a moment, I shone like a beacon, suspended in the darkness. Then the light surged across the room like a wave, a small crest of white that changed as it traveled, creating colors and shapes where before there had been only blackness.

My light dimmed as two figures appeared before us, one taller, one shorter, one standing, one seated. They were both dressed in their uniforms, and even though the pose was formal, the affection between them radiated from the portrait, Adolin’s hand resting on Kaladin’s shoulder with all of the pride and love I could imbue in a few simple lines. Even in the thin shimmer of stormlight, I saw the tears in Adolin’s eyes. I held him while we stared at the truth.

**KALADIN**

I had done my duty, said the right words, clapped hands on shoulders, fought to smile though my own weariness. And now I wanted nothing more than to leave this happy occasion. Anguish and joy coursed through me in equal measure at Drehy and Dru's happiness, that they had found what I could not.

When Adolin walked onto the dance floor, he looked like the first sunny day after the Weeping, too bright and beautiful to be real. I hated him, even as I was drawn to him, even as I walked past him and felt his hand brush mine, a desperate flutter of his fingers as I pulled away.

I hated him because I knew that love is a burden and a gift you can not bear alone, and he would not help me bear mine. I have been alone before. I can be alone again.

I never trust that first sunny day. Instead, I spend it searching the horizon for signs of rain, heart heavy with fear.

What if the rain returns?

(How will I bear it?)

What if he doesn't love me?

(How will I bear it?)

I left without looking back.

**JASNAH**

I saw their hands meet. It was chance, that I looked away from my conversation at that moment. I wasn’t even supposed to be at that wedding. I was trying to track down Shallan. I am, it seems, constantly trying to track down that girl.

It is rare that moments of great flux in our lives are heralded by any type of fanfare. They happen while we are washing our hair, opening a letter, lacing our shoes. These are the moments when we decide what we are willing to live for. Small moments that change the arc of our lives. I saw their hands meet, and I saw the look in Adolin’s eyes. Oh Heralds, I saw his eyes as that bridgeman-turned-Radiant left the room.

“Adolin.” He jumped a little when I approached him, his face as closed as I remember it from his childhood, when he was the little boy who could do no wrong, who hid his heartache so deep I wonder if he has discovered the depths of it even now. “The bridgeman?” I asked. He didn't speak, just nodded. I am alone because I choose to be. But that does not mean I do not have regrets. Regrets that I do not wish anyone to share. I took a deep breath.

“Adolin, I asked you once, years ago, what you thought love was. And you replied that it was what lightened a brave soldier's step on his return journey, knowing someone was waiting for him."

“I asked you a year ago, as you stood to make your wedding vows, what you thought love was. And you said it was giving your heart fully to someone else.”

“I am asking you now, cousin, what you think love is.”

“Love is foolishness and sorrow,” he said without hesitation.

“After all this time," I said, shaking my head. "And you still don't know. Love is choosing another over yourself. And making that choice again and again until it is a pattern written into your life so clearly that anyone can see it.” He stared at me like he didn’t know what to do. “So choose,” I prompted, turning back to my mission to find my missing ward. “Before he gets too far.”

**ADOLIN**

I am not a man of poetry, but when I saw Kaladin at Drehy's wedding my heart felt like a storm-fresh sphere, filling my body with an unbearable brightness. It was so piercing that I thought my love must be obvious to everyone.

It seemed impossible that I could dance and talk and move in the same place as him and not die of wanting.

I knew then, what I had put off knowing.

I knew that a shardblade is a kinder death than silence.

I knew that a lie is not a life.

I knew that some things must be broken to be free.

**KALADIN**

Let this end.

Let there be an end.

Let us be free.

**ADOLIN**

I had never run so fast, the corridors passing me in a blur. That storms-cursed man is shorter than me but he never steps without purpose. I ran until I came to the edge of Urithiru where I could see him, a bright star falling through the night sky, escaping the earth. Escaping me.

I wanted to scream, but instead I felt my whole body filling with an impossible wildness, and without a second thought, I jumped.

It was, perhaps, one of the most foolish things I have ever done, hurling myself off of a mountain for a man who had just left me behind. But I tell you, it was still less foolish than hiding my love had been. I was done.

He caught me, of course. That storm-cursed man could never pass up a chance to be a hero. I was falling, far and fast, the wind a howl in my ears and then I was flying, spiraling through the night, strong hands gripping my back and pulling me away from the earth and to the stars. I buried my face in his chest and breathed in his scent until he deposited me back on the balcony with a frown on my face. He tried to step away but I held his arms.

“I cannot bear this,” I said. “My love for you is the fire and the storm. It is a song I cannot sing, it is water I cannot drink. I love you, Kaladin Stormblessed.” He didn’t say anything, just looked at me with that steady gaze. And then he kissed me. Heralds, I thought I was falling all over again, or maybe I was flying. He pulled away, and I thought he was going to leave, that all we would ever be was stolen kisses, but instead he put his hands on my face and brought his forehead to mine.

“I am yours,” he said quietly. "I have always been yours." 

**KALADIN**

_A Month After_

“Come in,” I called, not bothering to turn.

“I can come back,” Adolin said lightly. He was leaning against my door frame, arms folded. He was wearing his new green coat--he must have been at one of Jasnahs’ Salons. _And since when_ I thought to myself _do you keep track of a brightlord’s clothing choices?_

“You can come back, but I won’t be here. I'm going to New Natanan.”

“Is that a euphemism?” Adolin paused, tilting his head coyly. And then, "Are you going to invite me in?” I gestured expansively at my cramped quarters. Adolin sighed. Instead of sitting on the ugly soulcast chair and table that I’d managed to wedge into the room, Adolin came and sat on the corner of the bed. I closed my eyes in frustration.

“Kaladin, it’s been a month,” Adolin prompted quietly.

“And that’s how long it takes to start over?” My voice sounded harsh in my ears, but Adolin didn’t look hurt, just thoughtful. His long fingers found the buttons on his green jacket and he began undoing them. He caught the look on my face.

“Don’t look so shocked bridgeboy. I’ll tell you a secret--” Adolin paused to unfasten the last button and sighed in relief, loosening his cravat to hang loose against his shirt. “That’s better. I think I gained a little weight over the last few months, if you must know. Turns out drowning your sorrows in lavis beer is bad for you in more ways than one. And another secret-- I refuse to stop wearing this damned jacket because I saw your face the first time I wore it and keep hoping to elicit a little of that same unbridled lust.” I raised my eyebrows skeptically.

“Nothing you say can change what I saw,” Adolin said. “And now I’ve told you two secrets. I think I’m in a confessional mood tonight. Does that ever happen to you? No,” he said before I could even reply. “I suspect that it doesn’t. I suspect you’re going to take whatever you have to say to me to your grave just to spite me.” Adolin’s rush of words finally stopped.

“Don’t tempt me,” I muttered. Adolin raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t know taking off my jacket would be so provocative. I would have started unbuttoning clothing around you ages ago if I knew you found that so seductive.” I could only shake my head and make a sharp gesture of dismissal with one hand. Adolin caught my hand on the downswing and held it for a moment before letting it fall.

“You’ve been avoiding me. At least tell me why.” I couldn’t stand the way Adolin was looking at me, his eyes bright with hope. Damnation, I thrived in hopeless situations. But now there was a glimmer of light, like the sun finally coming through the clouds at the end of the Weeping, and instead of running to soak it in I was hiding away. There was hope now, and I knew that something would go wrong. I would say something wrong, and Adolin would slip through my fingers and it would be worse than before.

“I feel responsible,” I said grudgingly. It felt strange to be standing over Adolin, like I was lecturing him, so I sat on the bed, leaving a careful distance between them. “I feel responsible for...her leaving. For making things so hard.” Adolin sighed.

“You have a complex. If the sun didn’t rise one day you’d probably find a way to make it your fault.”

“That’s not...entirely true,” I said half-heartedly.

“Look at me,” Adolin said, shifting his weight so that he was facing me. I was suddenly overwhelmed by Adolin’s nearness, the scent he wore, the flush in his cheeks. I leaned forward, hungry for contact. “It’s not your fault. It’s better, now that Shallan knows. Heralds, this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but we’ll be better off in the end.” Adolin stopped, noticing how his voice was rising. “Sorry,” he said sheepishly. “I’ve been practicing what I wanted to say to you, and I think I got carried away. But know that I mean it--I don’t blame you. And neither does she.” Adolin reached a hand toward me and I took it.

“I cannot bear how much I love you,” I said. “I cannot bear the thought of losing you.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Adolin said, brushing his lips against mine. “You can’t lose what you never had. So have me. I’m yours. And we’ll work out the losing and keeping later.” I kissed him then, kissed him until his breath caught and he moaned against me. Kissed him like he was mine. 

It felt like sunshine.

It felt like the breeze through my hair.

It felt like freedom.

It felt like an end.

It felt like a beginning.

**ADOLIN**

I traced your face with my hands, I held your body against mine and listened to the soft sound of your breathing, and I thought of love.

Love is mourning and a song.

Love is folly and a pleasure.

Love is a blade and a gentle hand.

Love is a sowing and a harvest.

Love is a burden and gift. And I will help you bear it.


End file.
